MY CYRANO MOMENT

I'd already wooed her with words but I'd struggled to win her family quite so successfully. Now as I reflect, I can see that having a 6'4'' wayward writer would be quite intimidating to assimilate into any family.

The father, in particular, took an instant dislike to me and forbid me from attending family socials so like a phantom I did my best impression of not existing, only ever coming back alive again on request when my girlfriend wanted to see me just like 'The Ghost and Mrs Muir'.

It was in one of my quiet moments of non-existing that she called me from her family home asking for a last-minute favour. Her father was about to celebrate his 60th birthday and would I possibly write a speech in honor of the occasion for her to deliver to the many relatives attending the huge event although naturally I still wouldn't be invited.

Remembering the Indian medicine man, Uncle Anku, in the 'Northern Exposure' episode 'Brains, Know-How And Native Intelligence' when he explains to Joel Fleischmann that 'to catch a fish you have to think like a fish'. I thought if I could write a speech as a process of understanding the father 'fish' then I could catch him, or at least could gain some semblance of respect from him.

So I did just that. I wrote a piece that was intuitively forensic and encompassed as much of the father's sixty years on earth as I could draw upon from the snippets my girlfriend had informed me about. It's a strange thing to write a tribute to a man who dislikes you. Nevertheless, it was nothing if not a unique challenge.

The speech was finally delivered by my girlfriend in front of a packed audience of family members who'd travelled from near and far. According to her relaying of the evening's event, it went down a storm and several relatives requested transcripts of the speech I'd written.  She capped off the success of my speech by singing 'O My Beloved Father' from Puccini's 'Gianni Schicchi', as our dual tribute delivered on multiple levels to the adored patriarch.

A few days later my girlfriend's sister and mother thanked me by telephone for the speech but to this day, as far as I'm aware the father still has no idea I wrote it.

Perhaps it's best that way, eh?

After all, he was a pretty big fish.