THE TICKET SELLER

'Ere, you want a ticket to Saturday's fight? Only forty quid each.

Best night of you and your mates' lives, I promise you.

Who's fighting?

We got Jack Marshall in a lovely little welterweight fire fight first up on the undercard. Gonna be absolutely banging. Then we got a juicy middleweight bout after that which has got some serious bad blood between the two fighters. Gonna be proper lively. Listen 'ere, how good are you at keeping a secret? Alright. Come on closer and huddle round. Keep this to yourself yeah, but just between me, you and Alexa they both went out with the same girl. AT THE SAME BLOODY TIME! She even accidentally live streamed her fucking one of them on her Instagram. Can you fucking believe it? She played them both like a pair of clowns and now they both want to spark each other out on the canvas. Someone's getting properly ironed out in that one. I'd put money on some claret being spilled too. These tickets are fairly close to the action n'all. I bet you like your steak bloody don't cha?

And that's still not enough to persuade you. I can see the way you're looking at me you need a big name here. Well, I got the biggest name in British boxing.

Who's that, you're asking?

Only London's very own Joseph "BOOM BOOM" James.

Seriously? You're telling me you haven't heard of 'Boom Boom'? He was absolutely massive five years ago. Sold out the O2 and Wembley. Big pay-per-view star too. Your dad'll definitely know. Now I'm looking at you I'm thinking maybe you're too young.  Go ahead and google him on your phone; Im telling you he was the dog's bollocks a few years back. Then he had a car crash. Maserati. Car went up in flames. Total write off. He was nearly a write off too. This is his big comeback fight against the hardest hitting fighter from Poland called Kowalski aka 'The Jaw Breaker'. Guy would knock your head clean off in one punch.

You're rolling your eyes. You don't believe me? Come to the fight then. I'd love to prove you wrong.

Alright, listen. We're not asking for much for these tickets. Street price is under half what they're selling on Ticket Master.

What's wrong with them? Nothing. I'm telling you this will be the best night of your life. Grab a load of your mates and come make some noise. We even got Stormzy's cousin spinning the decks between each fight.

What's his cousin's name? No idea. Not a clue.

You think I'm acting desperate. No I'm not. Just know a good thing when I see it. This is the kind of night you'll remember for the rest of your life. You'll love it. I promise. Look, how much you got on you right now? What? You're not carrying any cash. That's no problem. I got a card machine right here in my jacket pocket. Just give it a tap and you're sorted. You'll be the envy of, where did you say you were from again?

I'm not a nonce! Fucking hell. You kids today.

What police?

Fuck's sake. Listen, just take these half a dozen tickets and make sure to turn up. We got a stadium to fill and it looks proper shit on TV if its half empty.

Why's it empty you ask? Because we got little shits who won't get their phones out and google who Joseph 'Boom Boom" James is, that's why. You're even quibbling over free tickets now. You drive a hard bargain. Did I mention they're free?!

You're gonna sell them if I give them to you? Oh fuck off! What you gonna say?

Exactly what I just told you. Haha. Very funny.

Tell you what. You sell these tickets at the price I said to you earlier and if you sell them, we'll split profits 50/50 when I come back round later. No, cash only. Fuck off, you're not having the card machine.

Alright, take these. I'll be back around six. Exact same spot. Don't let me down now. You're a good little hustler. Remind me of me when I was younger. Only I was far better looking. Just kidding.

Go on then, sunshine. Make this old man proud.

See you at six otherwise I'll get 'Boom Boom' to come and find you and hunt you down.

Unless he loses in which case It'll be the 'Jaw Breaker!'