COUGHLIN'S LAW

"Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment." – Doug Coughlin

One of my secret superpowers is spotting prodigies of Doug Coughlin (Bryan Brown)—that cynical bastard and bartender par excellence from the 1988 film Cocktail. Actually, it's easy to do. There’s a noticeable look and aura that radiates from Coughlin-led boys. It’s a combination of smug, louche charm paired with dark, witty one-liners that you barely catch over the din of the bar—delivered while they pour your drink and eventually slide it to you with a smirk that conceals a trail of broken hearts and personal demons left outside in the cold.

It's not hard to see why Doug has made such an impression on bartenders for nearly four decades now. Adding to his general asshole magnetism, Doug—played by Bryan Brown—taught Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise) his finely honed life lessons known as Coughlin's Law: a sort of bar-spun philosophy that can be applied to almost any situation designed for the most dysfunctional, emotionally unavailable barmen and barflies.

Here are a few of them:

"Anything else is always something better."
This reflects Coughlin's belief that no matter what you already have, there’s always something better out there—highlighting his restless and ambitious nature.

"Bury the dead. They stink up the joint."
Self-explanatory. Don’t dwell on things that no longer serve you—be they relationships, projects, or past mistakes.

"Never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she’ll always hear you."
This one could have almost come straight out of Joey Evans’ Pal Joey playbook.

"Never show surprise. Never lose your cool."
Maintaining equanimity at all times is essential for a bartender handling the chaos of a busy bar—and life in general.

"Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone."
Reflecting the hard-drinking, no-nonsense bar culture, this rule underlines the idea that if you’re in, you’re all in.

As much as these prodigies of Coughlin like to replicate his work-hard/play-hard lifestyle, too often I fear these "lost boys" forget to heed the tragic ending of their drunken leader. Perhaps his dark fate completes his philosophy—after all, if you're gonna live by the bar, you gotta die by the bar.

Maybe the rare few contemporaries of Coughlin, like Sam Malone (Ted Danson) from Cheers, escaped the path of self-destruction via sobriety—but he was far more the exception than the rule in their trade.

Then again, those who subsequently followed and failed to learn from Coughlin's cautionary tale have only themselves to blame. Before his untimely death, the man himself ultimately denounced his own laws, proving his philosophy to be as useful as a beer-soaked coaster:

"As for the rest of Coughlin’s laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit." - Doug Coughlin

I'll drink to that.

Cheers!