A LETTER TO PIERS

Dear Piers,

I hope you're keeping well and have enjoyed our glorious summer of test cricket if not quite so much the less-than-glorious weather that at times threatened to finish off our momentum in securing the victory that I notice you have tweeted as being "the moral Ashes".

However, one point I have to raise with you, Piers, is your endless clamorous tweeting and the insanely hubristic hyperbole that appears to accompany every single one of your sporting hard-ons which in turn often appears to potentially capsize any hope of a trophy or sustained success for those individuals and teams you decide to rally behind. It's as if you have self-nominated yourself to be their man-child mascot without any form of democratic vote. You remind me of those kids in school who would have all the expensive sporting gear but couldn't do keep me ups with a football for shit or bowl a cricket ball that didn't go wildly astray and knock some dozy fielder unconscious. Is this hysterical tweeting of yours an indication of some deeper pathology, a frustration that you aren't on the field like these heroes of the game? Makes sense. Many of us wish we could do things as well as those we admire but truthfully you should stick to what you're good at Piers. Tabloid journalism.

As a Manchester United fan (for my sins) it's honestly no concern of mine if you want to tweet-hype Arsenal out of their first league trophy in two decades but I can't help thinking some of those players might prefer you went a little less hard in your childish enthusiasm on Twitter (X).  I remember you goaded every single fan and team in the league with the arrogance and bluster of General Melchatt in 'Blackadder Goes Forth'. It's kind of uncanny how much you resemble Melchatt now I come to think of it. Just like him, I could easily imagine you'd be just the type of chap to send all the troops over the top to the front line with absolutely zero accountability for their lives laid strewn on the battlefield. Maybe the stakes aren't quite as high (luckily for you) in this instance but I think many wish to hold your to account for your assault on our timelines and the over-inflated expectations for British sport that you have blown up with your verbiage. Though now that Arsenal's title hopes are nothing but a sad footnote in this year's soccer annuals you seem to more closely resemble Baldrick than the General.

As for the England Cricket team, luckily for you our new 'Bazball' strategy didn't end up ruining us but it almost could have, and though we eventually managed to spare blushes and hold our Australian counterparts to a winning draw, I don't think we can say with emphatic assurity that it was quite the blazing, revolutionary success you were drooling about at the start of the latest test series.

Anyway, I won't go on, not like you. But for the love of whatever remaining dignity you have left, take a tip from me and pass your phone to a more responsible adult in the room when a sporting event is taking place. You'll be doing the competitors and the rest of the nation a huge favour.

Yours in Sport,

Digital Renegade

P.S And yes, I am perfectly well aware of the mute/block button.

1st August 2023