HEARTLESS

In the night I hear 'em talk
The coldest story ever told

SABAH

Weeks after I met my hero for the first time, I couldn't focus on much else. I had only one thought in my head which was that I wanted to serve under him just like they do in those old Kung Fu movies I used to watch late at night with my older brother when we was kids. You know those student type characters that train under a wise sensei? We all could use our own Mr Miyagi, right?  I felt sure somehow Tetsuo would be mine.

Working at McDonalds damn near 24/7 you soon need a dream to stop your mind  from going on a major downer. The dream in my heart keeping me afloat was to work for Tetsuo, my future boss. The fact we'd met that night outside the stadium gave me hope it could happen again but in a country with roughly 350 million people in it, I figured it might be like trying to win the powerball twice. Then again, what was I expecting? Why would I think a megastar would wanna help change my life just because I haven't done it for myself.

It's crazy. I never even think about a girl as much as I do about him.

Lately I been kinda tracking his movements as best I can through sources online including some fan forums like I'm some kind of TV detective trying to figure out his way of thinking, his general routine etc.

One thing I know for sure is he loves Lawry's The Prime Rib in L.A. so I literally been steaking (pun intended) out the joint, hoping he'll go in there on one of my days off when I can make it in there for lunch.

Mind you, I'mma be damn broke by the time I've eaten there enough times to catch him in there at the exact same time.

That's why I'm also gonna try praying.

AMULYA

There comes a time when your social life becomes such a blur that you find yourself unable to distinguish one person from the next. I keep looking at faces in front of me at each party I go to for one I actually recognise. Sometimes, it's only by seeing the photos of these events on social media the day after that I sort of remember their names. I hope it's not a sign of me losing my memory already.

Maybe it's more just a sign of the times that there is a generic vibe to everyone's personality in America, or more specifically Los Angeles these days, like everyone's just trying to fit in a one size fits all avatar bullshit model. It's only the provocateurs and geniuses that make themselves noticed to me which is why I know I got expensive taste when it comes to the men I get involved with.

It's an easy filtration system. If they don't have something original to say in their few exchanges with you then you know you can quickly dispense with them wasting your time.

I knew for awhile that Tetsuo just hit different. He has a way with words that disarms me and makes me feel like I'm in the presence of someone I would never find boring. One time I saw him at at a party at the Chateau Marmont and he just looked at me and said, "imagine all these fakes gonna be skeletons one day; it'll make you be more chill among them."

I don't know, maybe I just like a man who has something to say rather than just feel obliged to fill the silence cos he wants to fuck me. Nothing worse than a fake fuck boy who's got nothing to say.

Mind you, the brighter they are, the more likely they'll end up breaking your heart even harder.

I'll keep him at arms length til I'm ready to let him get closer.

That's if he even remembers me.

LAIKIN (TETSUO)

I leave them, they leave me - the endless cycle of falling in and out of love is a habit I can't seem to break. Each time I break up with a new girl it's like they throw up a signal in the sky like they do in Gotham for Batman to let them know I need company tonight.

What am I searching for all this time I go from one girl to the next? A reflection of myself that I finally like? Who the fuck knows. Certainly not the therapist that I bumped off the pay roll. She was always telling me I was meeting so many diffeent women all the time because I couldn't find one that matched the greatness of my late mother.

But then my mother never left me the way some of these women do. She was loyal, steadfast and honest.

There's a common thing in rap and hip hop where some tattooed bad boy looking mother fucker opens up his feelings about his momma. It's the modern day equivalent of those old sailors you'd see in movies with the word "Mother" tattooed across their arm. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit I done exactly the same and went number one in 40 different countries with my momma track. The track was called "Boy's Best Friend" and I stopped performing it ever since she passed away.

Sometimes, when I miss her, I blast it late at night across the grounds of my coastal estate near Big Sur.

Some of the lines still hurt my heart when I play them back now.

"Nobody alive was better than you mamma, no woman alive is better than you mamma."

Hearing the waves crash against the rocks at the end of my garden, I know my love for her was deeper than the ocean below me.

And that's why it's heartless to try and fill the void of her absence in my life.

It won't stop me trying though.

"Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul."