I'VE HAD IT

"Where's global warming when you need it? I'm fucking freezing," Katie said under her frosted breath as she loaded up the van for the band, suddenly feeling self-aware that she sounded older than she was. She was 22.

It was going to be a long drive back from New York City to Minnesota and as both the one woman support act and The Flying Fucks chief video chronicler she tried to chart the course through thick and thin, including Eric the drummer urinating down a side alley near where the van was parked.

"Don't get me cancelled, Katie! We only just getting good," said Eric as he splashed a fountain-like stream of piss against the wall.

"Don't worry, Harvey. I'll hold back on the sex tapes where you're subjugating women to unspeakable acts of depravity."

"Thanks. I appreciate that!"

When Ben, the goth-looking lead guitarist for the band re-appeared, he looked like he was tripping off some low quality MDMA.

"Oh great. We got Ben all fucked up for the duration," Eric lamented, zipping up his flies and not looking forward to the long drive home together with a drug-addled conspiracy theorist band mate. "If you could just hold off on the Alex Jones for the first twelve hours of the drive I'd be eternally grateful."

Eventually, with most of the musicians assembled, they were left waiting for the leader of the 'Fucks', Zoe Z who had the ability, like Wendy from Peter Pan, to pacifiy the 'Lost Boys' of the Band.

"Alright guys? We all set?"

And they were somehow, by the grace of God as their Scooby Doo looking van headed out of the downcast city into the night and more heavy snow began to fall.

Ben had been on one for the first three hours of the drive and was mostly talking about various things he hadn't quite thought out clearly.

Meanwhile, Eric was now fast asleep whilst Zoe was focusing on the road ahead as the wind screen wipers were worked overtime dealing with the oncoming blizzard.

Watching her inspiration and mentor from the back seat, Katie saw Zoe Z as like a second mother, one who had taken her under her wing and provided the confidence for her to flourish as a woman and as a musician. Of course, she never told her what she meant to her because she was far too cool to approach like that. Katie had learnt pretty early on that you earn your respect from someone like Zoe through actions, and not words. "Talk is cheap, unless you can back it up with the courage of your actions" was one of her favourite lines from The Fucks' signature song 'Never Meet Your Heroes' and she took it to heart.

When Katie thought back on how she could have so easily gone to university to study but instead choose the more anarchic route of joining a band she felt proud that she totally ignored her parents who never really seemed to understand her general outsider weirdness. If The Breakfast Club (her favourite film) was remade in 2022 then she would surely be perfect casting for its new bunch of misfits.

But at the same time, she knew this would be the last road trip for her with the band. Everything in this business was about timing and knowing when to do move on or at least that was what Eric kept telling her and he was the oldest amongst them. Katie didn't want to be the groupie who got old. She'd seen those types and they were tragic. Besides, she had plans and dreams of her own - all music related.

So for all the groaning and moaning that Ben and Eric were guilty of inside the van, Katie was trying her best to soak up the last time she would spend with these guys in a way that was both funny and sad in equal measure.

When Ben finally crashed and slid onto the back seats of the van, Zoe invited Katie to come and join her up front.

"Come on up here, kid. I'm bored."

And without hesitation she joined her idol, knowing moments like this were more precious than gold.

"We had a blast didn't we?" Zoe said briefley glancing at Katie and catching her eye.

"That's an understatement."

"Understatements are underrated," Zoe said whilst blowing cigarette smoke out of a small gap of her driver's side window.

No one else in Katie's life had made her think so carefully about each sentence she uttered in front of them but Zoe. It was almost as if she felt she had to craft a perfect question or statement like a world class journalist for Rolling Stone or Time magazine for fear of boring her heroine with mediocre conversation.

"So you got plans for Christmas?"

Taken aback by the somewhat down to earth question, Katie realised she hadn't even really noticed that Christmas was only a few weeks away.

"I guess I'll be with my family. Unless you got any better ideas?"

"Nope. I'll be with mine too," Zoe said in a way that made her seem uncomfortably human to Katie's mind.

"Do you find it hard?"

"Find what hard?"

Katie always felt like she was ever so gently treading on eggs shells with Zoe. You never knew quite when you might piss her off into a catatonic silence with some dumb ass question.

"Unwinding from a tour," she continued cautiously.

"Nope. Suprisingly easy in fact. Besides, you need down time to input new observations and experiences for the songs you write. I haven't written a Christmas song yet, but I plan to. Maybe something along the lines of King Herod's Blues."

"Lol! That's dark. I like it."

"Yeah, me too."

Uncertain what to say next, Katie tried to relax in the silence between them as the rumble of the engine seemed to fill it sufficiently.

"Actually, I'm pregnant."

"Huh?" was all Katie could think to say in response to the statement that still seemed to hang in the air.

"Yep. I had a feeling before we started the tour, had it confirmed halfway through and been thinking it over since."

Katie felt honoured to be in receipt of such a personal revelation but didn't quite know what to do with it.

"Do they know?"

"Bill and Ted back there? They don't even know what day of the week it is."

It's Sunday - Katie reminded herself inside her own head just to make certain she knew.

"Are you gonna keep it?"

"I'm pretty sure. Maybe I would have felt different when it was more abstract to me and before it got this real. But now I'm thinking of it as an actual thing and it's getting harder for me to consider the alternative."

"I guess it's gonna add an extra dimension to Christmas this year," Katie observed, feeling like she was becoming almost the adult of this moment.

"Yeah, it's just one more secret I have to keep from my family. God knows there's plenty of those."

Katie felt conflicted. She wasn't sure how she felt about this artistic deity being given feet of clay by having a baby. It just didn't seem to work in her head as a mental picture.

"Do you think it'll change the situation with the band?"

"Not in the way I've already been thinking about it."

"Oh?"

"Everything has an expiry date. The band is no different. And now this whole baby situation has come along it might be another sign that things needed to change. You know sometimes you got to let destiny take over the wheel for a bit while you take in the scenery in the passenger seat. And besides, we had a good run. I'll never be far away from music, whatever happens."

It all felt a lot to take in considering the brief time they'd been chatting in the front of the vehicle.

"Maybe you could take over from me?"

"You're joking!"

"Nope. Why not? You got the talent. And you got some experience now. Besides, you can put up with the bozos back there far better than me."

Katie couldn't quite believe what Zoe was saying to her. It was all a bit overwhelming.

"You want some radio on?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not."

And with a click of the dial, the sound of some indie rock track seemed to succinctly say everything Katie couldn't.

"Man. I love this song!" Zoe said with an unexpected surge of enthusiasm.

And as they continued to drive through the winter's night both the mentor and her student found they had more than enough destiny to contemplate to pass the remaining time of their journey back home for Christmas.