DECEMBER THE 5TH

It's Monday afternoon, December the 5th and I'm hiding in my favourite place.

Empire Cinema in London, Haymarket.

I swear if I ever commited a murder or did something seriously criminal I would literally just hide out at the cinema until they gave up looking for me altogether. Didn't those old school Chicago gangsters used to do that? Was it Dillinger? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was. I saw it in a movie once.

Sometimes I think that aside from losing yourself in nature and visiting spiritual spaces, going to watch a movie is one of the last vestiges of genuine sanctuary you still can easily access in this crazy digital world of ours. There are few better feelings than switching off your phone and kicking off your shoes whilst resting your feet on the back of the plush red seat while you let someone tell you a story.

I often go, not to see the films per se (God knows most of them are unwatchable), but just to zone out and catch some shut eye in the warmth and comfort of a place that isn't home. The way I rate most of what I watch on the big screen is more based on the continuity of the sound of the film as I try and catnap. If a film is too loud and crazy, I generally regard it as no good. I need a seamless balance with my audio to ensure some good rest.

Anyway, today they're re-showing 'The Muppet Christmas Christmas Carol' and I couldn't be happier about it. When you've just had a break up of epic proportions with a guy who is literally stalking the streets of London in a bid to find you and persuade you back into your life, Muppets make the most sense. It's a long way from Dillinger, I know.

Today I feel Miss Piggy.

She always seems sure of what she wants and doesn't leave Kermit in any state of uncertainty about her demands. Okay, I know she's meant to be Emily Cratchit in this movie but who is she really kidding?

If Tom (my ex) was a character in 'The Muppet Christmas Carol' he would probably be young Scrooge before Belle calls off their engagement after she's noticed his increasing mean spiritedness.

But as the film rolls on, the more I'm wondering if Scrooge has been unfairly maligned by all those ridiculously upbeat people in his life. Surely he's quite wisely protecting his interests? Maybe Tom's just been protecting his interests and I gave him too hard a time.

Does Belle regret leaving Scrooge? Do I regret leaving Tom?

Nah.  

There's quite a few parents in the cinema with their young kids and one of them has broken free from his seat and been running up and down the isle close to me, sticking his tongue out. If I hadn't been totally sure whether I wanted kids before today, I'm definitely sure now. Horrid little things they are. Another reason why I'm happy being a big kid with no kids. Tom wanted kids but more as a way of ensuring I couldn't leave him, I reckon. Or maybe that's vanity on my behalf. Maybe I'm more Scrooge than him? Plot twist!

I bet he's going crazy out there in the cold, looking for me. He's probably called the police. He can be a little hysterical at times. Imagine they eventually did track me down only to find me watching the Muppets. Finally, my secret life would be exposed and he would know where I disappear to on cold afternoons and not to the affairs he suspected I was enjoying.

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up now. I got a bit more left of the movie to enjoy. I should enjoy the peace (with the exception of the little shit sticking his tongue out at me) before I return to a hundred frantic messages on my phone from Tom.

Or maybe I'll just crash here in the cinema for the night and deal with all the consequences of the break up tomorrow.

He might have got the message by then.

Bah humbug!