ROCK A BYE YOUR BABY

People ask me why I left Leo and the long answer is that things were getting increasingly more volatile for months with either catatonic silences between us that resembled the length of a two week meditation retreat or explosive and sweary arguments.

My final breaking point happened last month at my best friend Katie's dinner party where she insisted that every one prepare a party piece for the occasion. All the guests attending were excited as Molly has a plethora of talented friends who mostly work in the creative arts. Janet, for instance, performed an amazing dramatic monologue/reenactment from the point of view of her great great grandfather under the kitchen table who was a black slave travelling from West Africa to London back in the 1820s. Colin then gave us a historical lecture on the hog harmonium, otherwise known as the 'sweinway' or ''porko forte', an organ that replicated the sound of squealing pigs that was designed for Louis XI, whilst going on to perform his latest composition on his own miniature 3D printed recreation of the instrument. The piece was called 'Hogslaughts' and was meant to resemble sows entrapped in farrowing crates before being sent to the slaughter. It was both visceral and shockingly powerful

My favourite show piece of the evening, however, was my friend's Kim's rap monologue a la 'Hamilton', charting the life and career of Diane Abbott.  I won't deny it had me shedding a few tears as it brought home how unfairly she'd been treated in recent years by the monstrous right wing press.

As for myself, I did a series of impressions of each of the guests sat round the table but initially held back on doing Leo as I still felt too close to him to feel comfortable performing it. Nevertheless, after much barky, shouty demands from my friends thinking I was being too soft on him, I finally caved to their wishes. While I was doing it though, I kept looking across at Leo to read his reaction to my piss take but he just had this weird looking half smirk and even occasionally laughed along with the others when I highlighted some of his eccentric characteristics, including a few of his facial tics which he could have justifiably construed as being well below the belt. Given all we'd been through of late I was surprised he'd even agreed to come along to the dinner. I'd always suspected he never liked my friends much. I'll admit there was part of me that found it carthartic, sticking the boot into him in front of the others after all our many months of relationship turmoil.

Credit to him though, he took it all on the chin and when I got possibly the loudest applause of all the set pieces of the evening he clapped with great enthusiasm as if he genuinely enjoyed my performance. For that brief moment there, observing his magnanimity, I remembered why I've loved him for so long.

And then that's when I'm afraid, dear reader, events of the evening went all horribly askew and fucked up. I'd almost prefer not to recount what happened but as you asked I will.

Little bit of exposition here. I should say Leo has always had a prediliction for being weirdly and mischeviously subversive and perhaps that's what his idea of a performance this shameful night was all about. He'd asked for a few minutes to prepare his act and we'd all agreed to take a quick toilet break and fix some more drinks before preparing for his set piece. While I was in the loo with my bestie Catherine she asked me what I thought he might be about to do. I told her he barely tells me anything these days so had no real idea.

"He'll probably be all smart ass and perform a vagina monologue or something," I said, half thinking that would be the most likely outcome.

"Maybe he'll propose to you?"

That got me worried and excited in equal measure and again, it wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility for him to do something crazy like that.

"Fuck. I hope not. We've been going through a rough patch and I was half thinking about leaving him."

"Why haven't you then?"

"Neither one of us has had found an off-ramp yet. We're basically in a zombie relationship as it stands. Barely alive, not entirely dead."

Catherine nodded, understanding my predicament only too well. She'd been in dozens of zombie relationships herself.

"Come on. Let's see what the crazy bastard's got in store for us."

I walked behind my consigliere, half in fear about what was about to come next.

As we took our seats and sat back down around the table, we heard a brash American style voice bellowing from just beyond the nearby lower hallway.

"Ladies and gentleman, wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothing yet."

And that's when Leo re-appeared dressed in a three piece suit and a black floppy tie, his face covered in black shoe polish. I'm not entirely sure who gasped first because everyone seem to gasp in unison.

And then, with absolutely no seeming self awareness at the offence his blacking up had caused the rest of the guests, he pressed a button on his phone as a musical kareoke accompaniment started to fade in with some strange plink plonky notes that sounded like an old retro keyboard, prompting Leo to launch into song.

Rock-a-bye your baby with a Dixie melody.
When you croon, croon a tune from the heart of Dixie.
Just place my cradle, mammy mine,
Right on the Mason Dixon line,
And swing it from Virginia
To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya.

Colin wasted no time storming out with his miniature hog harmonium, followed by Janet who screamed some abuse at him which was I thought was entirely justified while Molly was shaking and crying.

"If you don't leave now, I'm calling the police! I'm not fucking joking, Leo!"

"Leo! Listen to Molly! She wants you to stop!"

But so immersed was he with his own performance that he just kept on singing without a care.

Weep no more, my lady.
Sing that song again for me.
Soft and low, just as though
You had me on your knee.

A million baby kisses I'd deliver,
If you would only sing that Swanee River.
Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye baby with a Dixie melody

And with that Molly finally cracked, grabbed her coat and stormed out of her own house.

"I'm not coming back in til he's gone. Sort your maniac boyfriend out!"

I was beetroot red with embarrassment and decided it was time to give him a final ultimatum.

"If you don't stop singing now, it's over between us."

But that only seem to make him sing with even more gusto as he repeated the final refrain of the song with one last vocal blast as if his life depended on it or something.

A million baby kisses I'd deliver,
If you would only sing that Swanee River.
Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye baby with a Dixie melody

Looking at him, burning every bridge between us, it was as if he was deliberately self immolating in front of me on purpose. I sensed this was more than just his off-ramp, this was a mega ramp from which he was flying into the abyss. To this day I still don't know what dressing up like that had to do with anything, apart from pissing everyone off and being horribly racist.

Seeing how much he appeared to relish torturing me like that in public, I just couldn't take it any longer and left Catherine to hurl her special brand of abuse at him while I grabbed my things and left Molly's place, exasperated by Leo's sheer fuck wittery.

I didn't stick around to see what happened when the police turned up. I was already too incensed. I didn't even have the words to express my apology to Molly and everyone standing out on the street waiting for Leo to leave. Jumping in an Uber I just wanted to get as far a way from the scene of his hate crime as possible and set about changing the locks of my apartment asap.

Quite honestly, it was the worst night of my life and I feel sick just recalling it. I don't know why but it just seemed psychopathic to do such an odd thing like that knowing exactly how much outrage it would cause. I can only think he had started to hate me more than he loved me in the end and just wanted to embarass me so I would be forced to break up with him right there on the spot.

Well, it worked I suppose.

I still get people asking me why I left Leo to this day and I now only tell them the short answer ...

Al Jolson.