BLOCKED

Hey,  

You still up?

I can't sleep.

I know, what else is new.

Tried calling you a few times (understatement anyone?) last week but couldn't get through hence all the messages on here.

Anyway I don't know how many times I have to write this but you got to know by now that I'm truly sorry about what happened. I mean the way things ended.

I just tried to do what I thought was right for both of us. Fuck! That already sounds like such a cliche which I was hoping to avoid. Isn't it always like that though - we fall back on cliches when we can't fully express what we're trying to say sincerely. I wonder what other banal platitudes I've got in reserve. Plenty, I'm sure. You know me.

Anyway. It doesn't matter. I'm pretty certain by now you've blocked me. I could have written you a whole sonnet (is there such a thing as a half sonnet?) and I'd never know for sure whether you received it or not. It says its sent at the bottom of each text, but I googled it and found out it will still confirm receipt of message whilst I'm still being blocked by you at the exact same time. Sneaky huh? These damn tech companies are masters of manufacturing paranoia, don't you think? Well don't you? ;-)

Anyway, maybe you were right to block me. I'll admit I had been going over the same stuff on a loop for so long I was starting to feel like a broken (I want to say record but don't want to commit any more cliches) so I'll say broken carousel or music box. Take your pick.  

Maybe all I'm really trying to say is - and this will probably sound like more bullshit - sometimes, just sometimes when you break up with someone you're actually breaking up with an idea of yourself that is simply no longer sustainable. And if that idea was something you aspired to for awhile then it really hurts to finally admit defeat. It's like you've failed at a job you were really happy to get at the time when you passed the interview stage but now find yourself out of your depth. I know what you're probably saying right now. You should never have applied for the job in the first place. Maybe that's true. Don't they say fortune favours the brave, but it's clear to me it also favours the downright delusional.

*looks in mirror*

Writing all of this I don't know whether you're reading it or not. You could be like The Stasi reading or listening to everything I've said in secret and I'll never know what you know if I ever run into you again on the street. Less The Lives Of Others and more The Ex-Loves Of Others. Okay, that was weak. Can't seem to turn the old brain box off lately. I'll go in a bit and leave you to whatever you're up to. Maybe hating me some more or reading up on how to double and triple block me.

Before you do that, though, I thought I'd take one last crack at summarising everything I meant to say to you that day you never showed. I really planned to say all this face to face but since we'll probably never see each other again I'll have to do it right here in this tiny little chat box. Doesn't everything seem reductive this days, even love?

Okay, here goes. I promise I'll try not to ramble.

Sorry for the delay. I had to get a drink.

No, not that sort of drink.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah.

*deep breaths*

I didn't want to leave you scarred from the constant disaster that is my life. Believe it or not, I would choose your happiness over mine right now. My biggest fear is that I've left you in a state of disrepair because of my failings. If I know you at all then I reckon you'll retreat back into your shell and go all weird and reclusive, afraid to love anyone again, just like you told me happened last time with that guy. But I don't want that, you see. I can already hear you screaming at me for being presumptious about what you're feeling right now but bear with me.

My current thinking is a bit like that old black and white movie The Treasure Of Sierra Madre I showed you and your brother that time - remember when the old crazy prospector tells those two younger guys that when you've taken your gold from the mountain then you should put everything back as close to how it was when you first found it? Okay, it's a terrible analogy but I'm sticking with it anyway.

So yeah I got this idea that two people that loved each other the way we once did shouldn't leave each other more damaged than when they first met. Where's the evolution in that?

I know this must all sound like bullshit. You probably think I'm mansplaining (is that still a thing?) how you should feel about all this. Maybe I am. Guilty, my lord.

Or perhaps I simply protesting too much at something that was just inevitable for both of us in the end?

Probably.

What if it's not all my fault? Maybe I'm just over cooking this because I feel guilty that things just don't work out sometimes. If we'd stayed together and made each other miserable for the rest of our lives would you prefer that to finding someone new to fall in love with, someone you could find a greater chance at happiness with in the long term? Answers on a postcard.

I don't know.

I've lost it.

And now I've lost you, too.

I'm going now. You won't even need to block me anymore because I'm changing numbers. It's like those burner phones that drug dealers use.

Only this time its not drugs. It's love.

Same difference.

Bye.

I love you.

Here's a track I've been playing lately.

I'm definitely going now.

Bye again.