THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME

Given that his government collapsed this week after Monsieur Barnier was forced to unceremoniously resign following a vote of no confidence, it’s nice to see President Macron finally having something to feel good about with the restoration of Notre Dame, which was mysteriously set ablaze five years ago.

While we in the UK are currently processing intrusive dystopian government alerts ringing on our iPhones about Storm Darragh, Paris will soon once again hear the ringing bells of Notre Dame. These days, I often feel a sense of peace and happiness whenever I hear the bells tolling from my local church, as if they’re a reminder of simpler times before the prospect of an Islamic caliphate threatened our Western societies.

Just kidding. I love a good caliphate.

And I see that a grand concert is planned for tonight for the re-opening of the cathedral, featuring the usual suspects of classical music mediocrity, including Lang Lang, Yo-Yo Ma, and Gustavo Dudamel. Personally, I think a far more radical and fitting approach would be a complete re-staging of the Broadway adaptation of Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Imagine an acrobatic, all-singing Quasimodo swinging dramatically across the restored "forest" (la forêt) of Notre Dame’s wooden roof beams, while Tim Curry (is he even still alive?) takes on the role of the suitably villainous Archdeacon Claude Frollo. Mind you, there's plenty of real life Frollos who will be in attendance should we need a stand in for the part.

Such a production would be the perfect statement on the infantilisation of Western culture, while also honouring the timeless story of the disadvantaged pitted against the technocratic rulers of our societies which remains as true today as it did back when Victor Hugo wrote his original novel in 1831.