THE GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD

Every year they gathered to fight for the title of greatest mother in the world. Big, strength trained men who prepared for months in advance before gathering at TGC The Giant Chalice, a symbol of the mother's womb and the place where combat would then take place inside a tulip-shaped cage where blood, sweat and tears would be spilt every Mother's Day to win the ultimate prize and title of 'The Greatest Mother In The World'.

2023 was to be the big showdown between Maximus, otherwise known as 'The Army Ruler' and his number one nemesis and current title holder of 'Greatest Mother 2022' Olivarius, also known by his fighting name, 'The Pond Dweller'. Many had compared the previous year's final to being akin to that of Frodo and Gollum grappling on the summit of Mount Doom with The Pond Dweller's unusually bony frame and strange wrestling technique bringing to submission the more physical and traditionally manly frame of Maximus. Excuses had been made by The Army Ruler's team that he'd had a difficult camp after losing his father/trainer, Pétros, his guide and inspiration in all his previous victories. Nevertheless, he conceded the title and vowed to win it back in 2023 so that his own mother could be returned to her rightful position as number one mum.

Tensions were running high as the ring walks in themselves were overt displays of kitsch bravado with Maximus walking out to the sound of Prince's 'I Would Die 4 You' and Olivarius walking out to 'Maypole' from The Wicker Man, a typically pagan ritual not unexpected of the Godless Pond Dweller.

With record attendance inside the stadium and breaking all time pay-per-view records on television and streaming platforms outside of it, this occasion was destined to become the biggest sporting event in history with both warriors fighting for the honour of their mother to be claimed as the greatest in the world.

The fight itself started cautiously at first;  the only noted incident of round one was a somewhat petulant pulling of Maximus's curly hair by The Pond Dweller who had also been known to bite his opponents and resort to childish playground tactics in order to win at any cost inside The Chalice.

Maximus came back strong in round two though, sweeping Olivarius's legs, jumping on his wiry frame and pummelling him with relentless attacks to the face.

"You're going down this time, brother!" the press mics caught him saying in between punches.

With blood beginning to seep from The Pond Dweller's bulbous nose, Maximus sensed victory may be within sight relatively soon.

But round three proved otherwise as Oliverius managed to jump onto the Army Ruler's back and wrap his spidery legs around him, all the while smacking his opponent's flabby sides with his tiny fists, creating instant bruising around the waist and beneath the ribs.

Perhaps he had been too cocky, but as he found the Pond Dweller straddling him and unleashing a torrent of punches in his face, he glanced across to his mother, Ángelos, which in Greek translates to meaning angel or "messenger of God" watching through the wire netting of the Chalice and telling him. to destroy the "bearded bastard".

Back in his corner, his trainer told him he now had suffered several broken ribs from the relentless punches he'd endured through round three.

"That spindly cuck did that? No way!"

But as he could feel his breathing become increasingly laboured, Maximus suddenly feared a repeat of the previous year's defeat and he knew he would have to dig deep to pull this out of the bag now he had to deal with damaged ribs as well. Looking across to his concerned mother, he nodded and smiled through his gum shield to reassure her and steady her nerves somehow. Although he was a sizeable hulk, it was really her that was the true warrior, the pillar of strength that had given him any chance of winning in life. He knew deep down he just represented her spirit in fighting form and if he was to truly honour her then he would have to destroy Oliverius to a pulp.

Returning for round four, Maximus could feel his fatigue kicking in as he took big deep breaths like a gaping fish out of water. He had to give it to his nemesis - he had an irritating ability to winkle out victory from the jaws of defeat and his wily maneovres in round three was proving to be just the case again.

But as he saw Olivarius grinning with knowing arrogance, he found some inner strength from deep within him and hit him with a sharp jab followed by a couple of upper cuts that had him wobbled on his legs like a puppet who's had its strings cut from above all of a sudden.

"Come on, big boy. Your mother's watching!"

And fighting through the pain of his broken ribs, he suddenly launched himself up into the air like a ballerina and delivered a devastating flying head kick under his chin which sent The Pond Dweller's eyes rolling up into the back of his head as he fell back onto the canvas, leaving the ref to count him out.

Roaring like early man, Maximus climbed on top of the chalice cage and beat his chest, shouting his mother's name into a wireless mic so all 155 thousand in attendance could hear it.

"ÁNGELOS!!!!! MAMA! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! YOU"RE THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!!!!"

Remembering finally to show some respect towards his worthy opponent, Maximus made sure to offer a bouquet of flowers to Oliverius's mother, Katheros, watching from the opposite side of the cage.

"You won 2022 Best Mother. But I'm sorry. This year belongs to mine."

The crowd roared with approval as even Katheros began to cheer his victory, much to Olivarius's chagrin.

Contuining his victory speech holding his Chalice Trophy, Maximus made a typically verbose and overblown speech for which  he was notorious.

"Mothers are our first home. They keep us warm and fed before we even arrive into the world and then, when we're finally exposed to the harsh cruelties of reality and the vindictive malcontents sharpening their knives and fangs for our downfall, they shield us with their love. All mothers in the world win today but make no mistake. Ángelos is number one!"

And as Puccini's 'Nessun Dorma' famously translated as 'no-one shall sleep' rang out throughout the giant stadium, it was clear no one would be sleeping that night.

Except maybe The Pond Dweller.

Happy Mother's Day Ángelos! X

19th March 2023