Apr 11, 2023 6 min read

THE LONGEST TIME

Every time he thought he would end things with Renee, she would start up singing Billy Joel's 'The Longest Time' and his heart would break all over again. There was just something about the way she emphasised the word 'time' and broke it down into three syllables. Why did she even sing it that crazy way?

"Ti-E-ime"

It was almost like a magic spell she performed on him whenever she suspected the words 'it's over' were about to be uttered through his ever so slightly parted lips.

Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

And much like Mowgli sent into a trance by Kaa the snake in Disney's 'The Jungle Book', his eyes would become like psychedelic spinning saucers as he gazed upon her singing the song as if it was the first (not the longest) time he'd ever seen her.

It was a dilemma, then. How could he end things when she held this unique power over him, this musical sorcery?

"Don't you have any other songs to sing?" he said as casually as he could muster as she sang into her hairbrush in front of the bathroom mirror.

"What do you mean? It's my happy song."

"There are other 'happy songs' you could try maybe."

"Like what?"

But as he thought what suggestions he could make regarding happy songs he wondered if it wouldn't just have the same effect. Perhaps it wasn't the Billy Joel song that held a unique quality, it was the way she sang it. He'd need to carry out an experiment with another song to be sure about it.

"How about some Hall and Oates?"

"Nah. They got no bounce to them. I need a finger clicking vibe. Love me some finger clicking."

"Yep."

Renee looked at Sam with a raised eyebrow.

"You don't like me singing that song?"

"No. I love it."

I love it too much, he thought privately to himself and skulked away to his work in the city.

All day in the office, Sam was surreptitously searching for songs that would have the opposite effect of 'The Longest Time' and yet still had some 'bounce' to them.

He thought maybe Frankie Valli's 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do' would be a good choice but then he had a sense Renee wouldn't be feeling that.

"What are you doing there, Sam?" his hawkish manager queried, noticing him tapping his foot and moving his head in a strange fashion.

"Oh, just choosing some music for the upcoming presentation."

Sam wasn't the most convincing liar at the best of times and judging by the sceptical look on his manager's face he wasn't improving in this department one jot.

"Just make sure you've signed off on all the content by the end of the day."

Sam nodded but was already so far behind he wasn't sure he could guarantee he would have all the work finished in time. Feeling a sense of urgency about getting back to his 'work work', he knew he had to make a decision about what song to get Renee to sing so he could free himself from the problematic relationship.

In the end he settled for a track that he felt would be a perfect alternative to the Billy Joel tune and help him finally break up with a girl who's only remaining power over him was singing a stupid pop song.

"Well, did you find another song for me to sing then?" Renee asked later that evening when Sam finally returned from work having had to do overtime to make up for those hours spent searching for a song.

"As a matter of fact I did."

"What is it?"

"Who Put The Bomp (In The Bomp Bomp Bomp)"

Renee scrunched up her face in a clear indication that his suggestion had fallen flat.

"Oh man. That's so cheesy!"

"'The Longest Time' isn't cheesy?"

"Not like 'Who Put The Bomp!'"

It was clear she would need some time to mull it over and so while Sam was showering, Renee decided to join him and test the Doo Wop track while the hot water cascaded all around them.

Watching her singing into the spare shower head, mindful to keep the chrome cord from getting caught up between their naked bodies, it occurred to Sam just how conscientious and good natured Renee could be at times. It almost made him forget about all those numerous occasions of vicious acrimony between them in recent months. Perhaps she had finally had an intuition about him having doubts about their future together.

Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong
Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop
Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip
Who was that man
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby fall in love with me (yeah)

And there was no denying there was something unbearably cute about the way she sang songs in general. Mind you, she could have been singing the telephone directory (or whatever the modern equivalent is) and it would still have broken his heart somehow.

Each time that we're alone
Boogity boogity boogity boogity boogity boogity shoo
Sets my baby's heart all aglow
And every time we dance to
Dip da dip da dip dip ...

Before she could finish her final row of 'da dips', Sam kissed her passionately and silenced her song.

Clearly it wasn't just the Billy Joel song that had kept him from leaving her.

It must have been two weeks later that things seemed to have truly settled back down again with Sam and Renee.

She had now adopted 'Who Put The Bomp' as her new 'happy' song and it seemed to have put the oomph back into what had become a zombie relationship. Sam had begun to realise that perhaps there was enough of a spark still left to make things work out.

And then a most disconcerting thing happened.

Having gone out for some drinks with some of their closest friends, including Sam's oldest friend Charlie, to demonstrate their rekindled togetherness as a couple, Sam went to the gents.

Urinating and enjoying the satisfying sound of his steady flow hitting the antique porcelain, Sam reflected on how satisfied and relaxed he now felt after those many weeks of uncertainty with Renee.

He laughed to himself that he even considered walking away from such a beautiful and unique woman.

"What were you thinking, man?" he said out loud to himself.

And that's when he heard a familar refrain coming from one of the nearby cubicles.

Washing his hands in the basin with hot water and soap and looking suspiciously toward where the singing was coming from, Sam had a terrible feeling that his worst suspicions would soon be confirmed.

After hearing the sound of the flush being plunged and a lock being quickly pulled back he prepared himself for the great reveal like a contestant on a saturday night game show.

"Charlie?"

"Sam? You all good fella?"

"What was that song you was singing?"

"I don't know to be honest. Just been hearing it lately and it stuck in my head. Probably heard it on the radio."

Watching Charlie washing his hands methodically as if expunging guilt from them, Sam's mind was flooded with all sorts of awful and paranoid thoughts.

"It's called 'Who Put The Bomp!'"

"What is?"

"The song you were singing."

"Is it? Yeah I suppose that would make sense when you think about it."

Following Charlie back into the pub the two men approached the table covered in split open crisp packets and an array of half finished drinks where Renee was sitting, laughing and looking like the happiest woman in the world.

It was at this exact point that Sam pined for the days of 'The Longest Time' when he was free of suspicion and still had an easy get out of the relationship if he'd had the courage.

Now he was stuck with "Who Put The Bomp!" and there was going to be no easy way to find a way out of this situation without losing both Renee and his best friend.

"Who wants a go on the karaoke?!" Charlie shouted to the group of friends sat round in a huddle, oblivous to Sam's intense stare from across the table.

"I'll go first!" Renee said gleefully, getting up to take to the tackily decorated stage to the left of the bar.

And then, selecting her track of choice, Sam felt sick with all the repurcussions of the situation he was currently now in. All he could do was sit and endure a brazen rendition of Renee's favourite song while she made less than obvious eyes at his best mate, Charlie.

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time