THIS LOVE

Clear blue water
High tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker
Currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone

I sit on the beach like a surfer girl/buddha and don't think I'll ever move from this spot for the rest of my life. My entire body feels like it has become as much a part of the surrounding environment as the smooth, timeless rock beneath me.

My friend Zach told me about these Buddhist monks in Japan called Sokushinbutsu where they practice the purest form of meditation to the point of death and transition effortlessly into mummification until they breathe their last breath. Apparently, when they're discovered, people aren't sure if they're still alive or not, so subtle and well preserved are their appearance.

Maybe that'll be me from now on. Perfectly preserved in time at the very moment he left me here on the beach. Walking away from me, his form became shadow-like as the sun began to set. It was as if he was disappearing from my life in a forever type of way and it made me feel real heavy in my heart like I was being dragged by a strong current beneath the sea. In the past my impulse would be to run after him, but something about the way he looked at me in that defeated way, made me think I should take mercy on him this time and not prolong this torture of ours any longer.

I'll admit I've had a tendency to keep relationships going well past their expiry date, always fearful of saying goodbye.

Letting go of anything is hard. I get easily attached to things and people. It's always been like that, ever since I got my first teddy which I'm sort of ashamed to admit I still sleep with. Sometimes I even find it hard to let go of my sadness, resentful at feeling better when I'm not quite ready to leave behind those acute feelings of despair. I know. It's pathological. But right now, here in this moment, I'm actually proud of myself. I resisted the urge to run after him like one of those happy endings you see in Hollywood movies. It's taken every ounce of strength in my soul to do it.

The light is fading now and I'm really appreciating how the darkness of night seems to be in sympathy with my vigil for my own broken heart. Even the stars seems to be sparkling extra bright tonight in empathy with me. Maybe nature is the most loyal companion of all in this life. Even with the occasional climate volatility there's a constancy to it through time that keeps me grounded.

Seeing the distant night boats on the horizon, I find myself thinking they're a perfect metaphor for me right now. All alone, out at sea.

Eventually they'll have to come back to shore though and when they do, the dawn will break and a new day will begin. I know I'm starting to sound like a bad well-being meme.

I'll head home soon. As much as I would like to remain here until I dissolve into non-existence, I can feel myself getting a little cold. The thought of climbing into a warm bed appeals to me more than transcending my own attachment to my lost love right now.

Who knows. Maybe this is progress.  

Besides, I'm too young to be a Sokushinbutsu.