UNDEFEATED

Tell me why I feel so bad, honey
TV's flat and nothing is funny
I get sad and stuck in a cone of silence
Like a big balloon with nothing for ballast
Labelled like a bottle for Alice
Drink me down or I'll drown in a sea of giants

It lurks there at the bottom of my soul like a hidden sea creature, you know, like that mean ass moray eel in that book 'The Deep' waiting to pounce when I stupidly think I've escaped its notice.

You can never escape it, though. It's the truth at the end of an empty glass of beer, the static white noise of a TV screen when you've woken up after the broadcast's finished. When everything else around me is in turmoil, I know the deeper pain is waiting for me to come home to it. It's immovable, just like I used to be in the ring. But now I'm the one who's slowed down, gotten older and vulnerable while the deep rooted pain remains timeless, not even budging one single inch.

Times I thought I had it beat was when I was in the ring, treating my opponents like they were the physical version of the beast within. But it turned out I couldn't touch the damn thing with my fists. It's shapeless, like air. And when I did stand over my opponents laid out on the canvas and tried to see the monster I sought to destroy, it was nowhere to be found.

And now my career's over and I've got nothing but memories of false victories over opponents who retired earlier than me with less damage done to their brains, meanwhile I'm left wondering why I'm still being being beaten by this invisible enemy of mine.

I tried everything to drown it and I'm telling you an ocean of whiskey couldn't do it, neither drugs or sex.

In the end, I think the only thing that it wants is my complete and utter surrender and right now I'm willing to submit. All this time I been resisting the inevitable I've wasted so much money, resources and physical and mental strength but now I'm pretty sure I'm defeated.

'Ride The High Country' is on TV tonight and watching Joel McCrea slump dead in front of the distant ranch he wanted to retire to up in the Sierra Nevada mountains is making me feel like what I'm watching and what I'm feeling is the same thing. Sometimes the universe connects the dots for you in front of your very eyes and if you read the signs then you know what's coming next.

Yep. This is my last round and I'm too tired to fight anymore.

I'm actually tired of pretending I'm tough enough to beat it.

Funny how all those things you hold onto in life like pride, passion and belief are all snuffed out in the end by the unavoidable reality of death. We all know the man in black is the undefeated champion of the world and he holds all the belts, never to be beaten.

The tragedy is thinking you got a shot at him.

I can see the bastard now, laughing behind his gum shield and goading me to come forward for one last attack.

Even when I look to my corner and see my own mother, daughter and fiancée, I know they're never gonna throw in the towel for me.

I got to do it myself.

Ever notice that perfect silence when you turn off the TV with the remote? I just did it and felt like God for a moment.

It's like you have control over all the noise of chaotic existence.

That deafening silence forces you to acknowledge your mortality.

Well I have.

And he wins.